


Don't Say You Ever Loved Me

by ABookAndACoffee



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternative cabin scene, Angst, F/M, I'm gonna angst all over your face, no mating soup for Rhys, whomp whomp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 15:26:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11739867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABookAndACoffee/pseuds/ABookAndACoffee
Summary: Rhys never shows up to the cabin after Feyre finds out they are mates. Instead, she waits. And waits. And then has to figure out how to move on."Maybe I shouldn’t have walked away, and I wondered if part of my reaction was a rejection. This thing in my chest that connected our souls was out of my control, and I’d had precious little of that my entire life. Just for once, I wanted to make a decision that was about myself, rather than pleasing or taking care of someone else. And at the moment, that decision was to put distance between myself and my mate. Even if I now regretted every second we were spending apart, sick with worry over whether he was healing, a nagging fear that he wouldn’t forgive me for leaving him like that."





	Don't Say You Ever Loved Me

When I left Rhys, I hadn’t had time to develop a plan, to think about what I wanted, what I needed, how I really felt about him and what I had learned from the Suriel. Desperation had fueled me, and now I found myself isolated, in a cabin, in a place I wasn’t sure how to leave. Mor had delivered on my request to take me far away, and I hadn’t cared enough to ask her where she had left me. All I could do now was hope that she followed through on my request to keep my location from Rhys. At least, for the time being. 

On the first day, I was angry. I wasn’t sure that I could call what Rhys had done a betrayal, but after everything that Tamlin had done, I tried to wrap my head around the idea that Rhys would hide information like this from me. That he could know, had known, for months, that we were mates, without saying a word. I felt like I had always had a choice with him, but I struggled to reconcile this with the fact that he kept vital information from me. What else might have he kept from me, in the name of protection? 

I had never known that marriage or love or any of it would be a possibility, for me. My plans had been to live with my father, my sisters comfortably married and me with enough time to paint; a partner for myself had never crossed my mind. It was never something I wanted, unlike Elain, who dreamed of what her wedding dress would look like from the time she could walk. Nor was I like Nesta, who thought of making an advantageous match, before our change in social station had put an end to those dreams. Those plans were now back on track, since Tamlin had given them the resources to make it so. But me? 

No, I had never wanted to tie myself to another for the rest of my life. And now the Cauldron was here telling me that it was fated, that I had no choice. 

Maybe I shouldn’t have walked away, and I wondered if part of my reaction was a rejection. This thing in my chest that connected our souls was out of my control, and I’d had precious little of that my entire life. Just for once, I wanted to make a decision that was about myself, rather than pleasing or taking care of someone else. And at the moment, that decision was to put distance between myself and my mate. Even if I now regretted every second we were spending apart, sick with worry over whether he was healing, a nagging fear that he wouldn’t forgive me for leaving him like that. 

When Mor came back on the second day, I expected most of what she had to tell me. She didn’t push - I knew that our friendship was valued by both of us, and wouldn’t be served by her acting as Rhys’s mouthpiece - but all the same, her agenda was clear. To make sure I was ok, to gently nudge me in the direction of acceptance. What she didn’t know was that my acceptance was inevitable. It was really all in Rhys’s hands, now, whether he would ask for the forgiveness I was ready and willing to give. 

The fact was that I did love Rhys. I had struggled against the idea, feeling as if it were wrong, as if I were a horrible, despicable person for daring to be attracted to or even care for someone other than Tamlin. That Tamlin’s love turned out to be… insufficient, was not enough to alleviate the guilt I felt at loving one while living with another. Did I love them both at the same time? Perhaps. Admitting it might mean that others would revile me. The idea that you can love two people at once is seen as a betrayal, and I realized almost immediately how naive, how idealistic this notion could be. The idea of still loving Tamlin in the same way I had before also seemed laughable. And yet that was so at odds with the stories I heard growing up, before my mother passed. To find myself no longer in love with Tamlin while desperately wanting to be with Rhys, how could it be anything other than a betrayal of what I had felt and everything I believed about love to find that in fact, love can change, fading away completely? 

But it was a truth that I needed to come to terms with. To forgive myself for. I had discovered that being in love with someone comes with a certain lack of control. Whether it is the person we love or the way in which we conduct ourselves, the choices life presents us with and the decisions we make, love has a way of making all the rules go to hell. I had always known I was adaptable, but this was much more difficult and infinitely more complicated than learning how to use a new weapon or hunt in a unfamiliar environment. 

I wished I had learned that lesson, much, much sooner. Perhaps I would have been able to forgive myself before I met with the Suriel. Perhaps I would have been able to come to terms with the concept that I was not, in fact, a horrible being, for loving Rhys. I know now that loving Rhys was something I couldn’t fight against, and something I could have embraced without guilt. But that guilt and confusion, along with my refusal to let that choice be taken away from me, had driven me into those mountains, hoping for and dreading the moment he would show up at the door. 

Mor left the next day, the walls newly covered in our paintings, and I welcomed the silence she left behind her. The bond remained silent as well, and I took the opportunity to sit by a window, listening to the snow fall, a sound I’d never been able to catch before, when I was human. Concentrating on that sound was relaxing, and easier than letting myself alone with my thoughts, but it would only keep me occupied for so long. When my attention wandered, it inevitably went to Rhys and what I had learned about him. About us. 

When I woke the following morning, I knew I had to make a choice. There were other things going on, things bigger than myself and whether or not Rhys was ever going to be honest with me or if he truly wanted me in spite of the mating bond. I could offer him myself, in whatever capacity he would take me. And if he only wanted me for what I had to give the efforts against the King of Hybern, so be it. 

Or so I told myself. I waited for him to come, and with every day that passed, I knew the likelihood of that happening was less. I found myself trying to deny that increasingly larger pieces of my heart were crumbling away in my chest, just as I had tried to deny that knowing Rhys had fortified that same heart in ways I hadn’t thought possible. I knew now how that denial would go, and stifled my sobs in the too-quiet cabin. 

On the fifth day, when the knock came at the door, I opened it to see Mor, again. I nodded to her and stepped aside, but she made no moves to enter. 

“We need to go,” she said, “We need to start preparing for what is to come.” She held out her hand, the sympathy on her face more than I could bear. So, he wasn’t coming. He refused to face what he had done, what he had kept from me. It broke a piece of me, to think that I might be yet another example of how the mating bond might choose two people who couldn’t make it work. I thought of Rhysand’s parents. Perhaps the Cauldron was wrong more often than not. But I wasn’t sure how to tell the difference between the bond and love, and maybe Rhys knew something I didn’t. Maybe he would be able to tell me it was all in my head. 

I packed my things and wrapped a wool cape around my shoulders, unsure of where we were headed next. I looked around the cabin one last time before I took Mor’s hand. This place, between these walls, they had created a family here, her and Azriel and Cassian and Rhys. They had all chosen to come together and love and support one another, and I… I had been thrust upon them. There was no real reason for me to expect that they would have chosen me, and there would be no way to know since the Cauldron or some other power had determined my place. 

That didn’t mean they would want me. 

I took Mor’s hand, closing my eyes and erasing the memory of the cabin from my mind as she winnowed us away. 

***** 

We made it to an Illyrian camp, where Rhys, Azriel, and Cassian were preparing. Rhys turned to us when we arrived, and the sight of him whole and healthy relieved some of the tension in my chest. I kept my mental guards up, not trusting myself at the moment. Mor took my arm and guided me away from the men, no doubt trying to keep her friends from making an awkward situation even more unpleasant by prying. I still had so many questions for Rhys, so many events that didn’t make sense to me without his explanation, but we were surrounded. A private conversation was necessary, and unattainable. 

He strode over to us, Azriel and Cassian going about their business, all of them acting like they had little to no interest in what was about to pass between Rhys and me. 

I felt an awkward stiffening of my features and I tried to control my expression. I knew from a slight crack in Rhys’s composure that I was probably not doing as good of a job as I would have liked, but it was enough effort just to keep myself from jumping into his arms and burying my face in his neck to take in his scent. The fact was that I would have given him everything I had to offer, if I had the slightest idea that he wanted me. If he would fight for me now, show me that the bond was merely a piece of his wanting and barely a fraction of the whole, then I would give it all. 

He nodded and bowed, one hand at his back in a play of formality so strained that I had to keep myself from laughing in disbelief. Where was the man who had taught me to read and write with inappropriate phrases? Where was the man who had kept me from folding in on myself in despair Under the Mountain? Even then, when I had first seen him in the Spring Court, he had never kept this kind of distance from me. Perhaps when I left, Rhys had decided that I was not worth the effort. Maybe I was too difficult to love, and he would refuse the bond. 

“Feyre, we have a job for you.” 

Business, then. 

“What would this job entail? No sneaking around strange creatures in the woods for a useless trinket, I hope?” I asked him. He winced, and I wondered just how useless the ring I had retrieved from the Weaver was. 

“We still need to see the mortal queens. We made other preparations while you were away, but since you’re back, we need you to be there to smooth the way between them and your sisters.” 

I silently sent thanks down the bond for his refusal to single Nesta out, and nodded. 

“That sounds like something I can handle.” I paused, searching his face for something of the High Lord I had come to love. Instead, what I found were eyes that met my own, but seemed shuttered. It seemed that if I were to reach for him, the space between us would be so thick that my hand would never make it. And he was pushing against me, watching my face in return, but refusing to see me. 

“Please excuse me,” I finished. Rhys bowed again and winnowed away, leaving an emptiness I wanted to reach into to pull him back to me. 

I pulled my wool cape tighter around my shoulders and turned to enter the cabin, feeling the eyes of Azriel, Cassian, and Mor at my back. I heard Mor hiss at the other two, heard the beating of wings in the sky as they left me alone. Again. 

Once in the Illyrian cabin, I let out the sobs I had been holding in for days, falling to my knees and cursing the idea that love could ever come without an endless supply of heartache.

**Author's Note:**

> Request for this fic came from a tumblr anon - hope you enjoy!
> 
> Comments are appreciated, come find me on [tumblr](http://abookandacoffee.tumblr.com/).


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